Can every relationship problem be solved?

“Ugh, not again!” Anthony rolled his eyes as he saw the text alert from the budget app he shared with his husband, letting him know that Matthew had just made yet another purchase at his favorite store. Money was a frequent source of conflict between them, with Matthew admittedly being the “spender” and Anthony “the saver.” They had recently discussed the need to save for the future, and Anthony found himself getting increasingly angry the more he thought about Matthew’s apparent disregard for that joint decision.
 
That evening at home after work, Anthony exploded with criticism as soon as he saw Matthew. “How could you do this after our conversation just the other day? You just don’t care about the future! We’ve had so many of these conversations before that, too; I’m so tired of having the same argument over and over!” Matthew responded back with defensiveness, “What’s the big deal? It wasn’t even that much money! I work too, and I deserve to buy certain things if I can afford them! You need to loosen up and stop attacking me!”

According to Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist and relationship researcher, 69% of conflicts between a couple are perpetual problems, meaning they are due to differences in perspective and personality and cannot be solved. Perpetual problems are also sure to resurface between a couple again and again, which understandably can be frustrating and discouraging.

• Different perspectives on money is a prime example of a perpetual problem. While a couple can undoubtedly have productive discussions about finances (and they should!), the difference in perspective about the role of money and what it represents will likely always be present.

  Other examples of perpetual problems between couples are: one partner is “messy” and the other is “neat.”

  One partner considers themselves more introverted, while the other is more extroverted.

  One partner is habitually punctual, while the other is habitually late.

 
It’s easy to see how these differences can lead to recurring arguments! So, what can we do about these perpetual problems if we do not try to solve them? According to Dr. Gottman, agreeing to let go of the goal of resolving these issues is the first step. No matter how hard we try, solving or eliminating the problem will likely not happen. Instead, a couple should work toward exploring why there is a difference of perspective.

• Money is not just the dollar amount in our bank account; money also represents our most profound values, hopes, and dreams for the future.

Perhaps one partner grew up in a family that could not afford extra material things, so becoming an adult and being able to afford not just what they need but some of what they want represents progress and success.

 Maybe they meet and fall in love with someone who grew up learning from their family that access to money and saving it represents security and safety.

 
Neither one of these perspectives is inherently wrong, and tapping into the deeper emotions around finances and what they represent to each person can help couples understand that a difference does not automatically mean a conflict. Learning why this difference of perspective exists, all the factors that influence that, and understanding and verbalizing that each perspective is valid (even if we disagree!) is vital to moving forward to the more practical discussion of deciding on a budget.
 
A visualization technique I use with couples in sessions when discussing perpetual problems is to imagine that they are a team facing the problem together. Your partner is not the problem; the problem is the problem. Understanding that, ultimately, you and your partner are on the same side (neither of you wants to continue having arguments about finances and feeling unheard and unappreciated by the other) can go a long way toward opening up space to have a more neutral discussion about the topic of coming to a shared goal, like when to spend and when to save.
 
Repeated conflicts don’t have to derail your relationship. As frustrating as it can be when a perpetual problem arises, it’s possible to not just see this as yet another argument but an opportunity to learn more about our partner. This critical shift in thinking can get you closer to the shared compromise you’re hoping for. Exploring and sharing the deeper emotions related to perpetual problems can help couples create understanding, respect, and acceptance of each other and their inherent differences.