Identifying your relationship needs - exercise
Worksheet from Eddins Counseling Blog
Human beings evolved to be in connection with one another. We need healthy, secure relationships of all types (including friends, family, and romantic) not only to survive but thrive in our lives. However, not every relationship we’re in can meet our needs. We may be in a relationship that feels not quite right but not even know how to express that to ourselves, much less our partners or loved ones. How do you identify what your needs may be? Thanks to Rachel Eddins at Eddins Counseling Group in Houston for creating this exercise to check out typical relationship needs to get us thinking about what we may be missing!
Identifying Your Relationship Needs
The following is a general list of relationship needs. Go through the list and check off the ones that are important to you, then check off what you believe is important to your partner.
Then rank yours and what you believe are your partner’s five highest needs. Then, discuss your guesses and assumptions with your partner, and then take a little while to clarify each of your top 5 needs.
Emotional Needs
To be told that I am loved
To be told that I am valued and a vital part of my partner’s life
To have a sense of belonging to and with my partner
To be respected as an individual
To be needed for other than the role and tasks I perform
To know that I am a priority in my partner’s life
To know that I am unique, above everyone else in my partner’s life
To feel that my partner is proud to call me their own
To be trusted as a responsible partner
To feel that my partner would choose me again
To know that I am and can be forgiven for my transgressions, flaws, and inadequacies
To be accepted—flaws, fallacies, and all
To know that my partner and I are, above all else, close and trusted friends.
To be desired and desirable
To be appreciated for who and what I am and do
To have passion between me and my partner
Physical Needs
To be touched and caressed
To be kissed, even if casually
To be hugged or held
To know that I am welcome in my partner’s personal space
To be physically welcomed when encountering my partner
To know that I am part of a couple when interacting with the world
To be encouraged and accepted by non-verbal communications
Tenderness
To have a satisfying and rewarding sexual life
Spiritual Needs
To know that my spiritual values are supported without judgment
To feel that my partner respects my spiritual needs
To share a spiritual life, even if that is experienced differently by my partner
To know and feel that my individual beliefs and differences are respected
Social Needs
To be remembered with calls and acknowledgments when apart
My partner will plan and structure their activities to include me
That social activities are shared rather than experienced individually
Appropriate tenderness and support when in public
To be encouraged and supported physically and emotionally when in public
To hear sweet things in a social environment
To be encouraged and supported in social situations
To be treated with politeness and regard in social situations
To share fun and joy in social situations
To be connected with my partner
To share joy and laughter
To feel that I am the most important person in my partner’s life even when we socialize
Security Needs
To know that my partner will stand by me in times of distress or conflict
My partner will rally to my aid if needed
To have input and control about the emotional aspects of our relationship
To be supported by my partner
To know that my partner is loyal and committed
To know that my relationship will not be put at risk because of disagreements
To know that my partner is 100% committed
To know that my partner is there for me in times of third-party conflicts and problems
To know that my partner is a safe and soft place to fall into
Once you have your top 5…
Are you surprised by anything you added to your list? What about your partner’s list? Stay curious while exploring this internally and in the discussion with your partner. Needs can change and evolve as we do, especially in long-term relationships. It is healthy and valid to have relationship needs, and couples need to communicate them regularly.
